Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Retraction

There are about a million different things that I should be doing right now while Zoey naps, but the truth is that I feel like I need to clear a few things up and share some other thoughts that have been floating through my mind. I think I shall start with the thoughts. *Let me preface this by saying that I may the worst person in the world when it comes to change. End preface.* A couple of years ago, I had the worst year of my life. It was my first year of teaching, and I was having a really hard time accepting being an actual grown-up and all that comes with that title. I may not have been outwardly rebelling against God, but inwardly, I was running as far away from him as I could. I was having a crisis of faith where I really did not know what to believe. I was questioning so many things including who I was as an adult, a teacher, a wife, a daughter, and a Christian. It completely sucked. However, just when I did not know if I could take any more questions, God rescued me. To this day, I am in awe of who my Heavenly Father is and how he knows just when to reveal himself to us. He allowed me to be completely broken and then he took all the pieces and made something that was even more beautiful than before. I am so humbled by the graciousness of God that I cannot help but smile when I think back on that year. I am so grateful for that time in my life even though then, I did not think I could get much lower. I am so grateful for having to walk through the valley, because it makes the mountain that much better.
Some of you may not know that I never ever intended on having children. Some people think that is a sad decision, but to me, my life was not missing anything. I had cats; they did the trick. I was also told that if I did ever want to have children, it would be difficult and would require fertility drugs. That didn't bother me in the least. To me, it just meant I could sex it up freestyle (sans birth control). However, God clearly had a different plan for John and I, because surprise! I got pregnant. I knew that even though I was not completely thrilled with the new direction my life was taking, God gave us this child for a purpose. It was clearly his plan that she be born to us. I did not know why, and sometimes, I still don't know. The good thing is that it is not for me to figure out. So, once again, God revealed himself to me in a new and surprising way.
God has continued to reveal himself to me through this depression that I struggle with. I am able to praise him even when I want to disappear, because my emotions do not dictate how good my God is. He is "my strength, my shield, my portion, deliverer, my shelter, strong tower, my very present help in time of need." He is so very, very good.
Now, here are a few things that I need to clear up:
*I have a hot husband who is not only good in the sack, but he is an incredible father, and he never minds going the extra mile for his less than sane wife.
* I have the most beautiful daughter in the world who has the sweetest little bow mouth and kissable cheeks, AND she has started sleeping until 5 a.m.
* Even though my emotions get the best of me often, I have a good life, and I know that I am truly blessed.

Here is a little treat for those of you who stuck with me until the end.

1 comment:

PrincessBeki said...

Ash - I thoroughly enjoy your down to earth truths that you speak about in your blog! I am thinking about starting one when Reagan arrives to keep me sane :) Plus we can also share pictures of our little ones as well - so that will make the grandparents and relatives happy! Your little one is precious and I hope that I can meet her soon! Keep telling the truth and I will keep reading :)

Much Love!
Beki :)