I am pathetic

Okay, I just entered Zoey into a baby contest. I know I am completely delusional. Every mother thinks her baby is the cutest. Zoey is so beautiful to me; I am just hoping someone else agrees. I guess I just want a validation of what I see. Regardless of how other people view her, she is my sweet baby girl. Here is the picture I submitted:
Okay, you can laugh at my patheticism now.

unshrouded

For a few weeks, I have felt beat down. Just an unexplainable sadness. I have prayed about it, but today I realized that I was praying for the wrong thing. I kept asking God to bring back my joy, when really, I should have simply been meditating on who he is, because when one's eyes are focused upward, how can you be burdened with the mire at your feet? With the beautiful weather today, it is so easy to revel in the wonder of God. He is the creator of the trees in my backyard. He is the lender of the blue jay perched on the geraniums. He is the wind through the red tips. He is the warmth on my feet. Oh contented sigh. "Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture." Psalm 100: 1-3

Wordless Wednesday

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blah blah blah blah blah. I suck. blah blah blah blah blah blah. I think that sums it up.

Happy Birthday Zoey!

A year ago today, my little Zoey made her entrance into the world. It was quite unexpected, because her due date wasn't until the 19th. But my dear friend, Joelle, the one who told me I was pregnant, and then the one that predicted it would be a girl, begged that I have her on the 10th so they could share a birthday. Well, she got her wish. The day started pretty normal. I was sitting in bed with the husband eating a peanut butter sandwich. If I had known that would be the last thing I would eat that day, I would have picked something better. John was getting ready for a meeting he had to go to. I was very bummed because I wanted him to go to the doctor with me. The previous week the doctor had sent me to the hospital because of some tests she needed run on me. I had had to go all by myself because John was at work and I was terrified. So, when the next doctor's appt came about, I was a little scared the same thing would happen. Right before he had to leave, John got a text that the meeting was canceled, so he decided to come to the doctor with me.
When we walked into the doctor's office, she took one look at me and said "You are starting to look like the Stay Puff marshmellow girl." It turns out that I had gained 14 pounds of water weight in one week. My blood pressure was getting a little high, so Dr. Boyd said, "Let's have a baby." I was so happy that I almost cried, because I could not take one more day of being pregnant.
When John and I got settled in at the hospital, the enormity of the situation settled on us. We prayed together for me and Zoey, and I got ready for the fun.
About 11:00, they came in and started my Pitocin drip. About an hour or so later, my water broke. A little bit later, the epidural came (sweet, sweet epidural). Around 8:30 that night, the epidural wore off. About every 5 minutes, I begged to start pushing, but the nurse said it wasn't time yet. I wanted to kill that nurse. Finally, at 10 p.m., I was at a 10. I pushed for 30 minutes, and then the miracle happened. Zoey was finally here. She was a meconium birth, so they had to whisk her away to clean our her lungs before they gave her to me. However, I caught a glimpse of her and just cried and cried. Finally, they laid my baby girl in my arms. I was tired I was afraid I would drop her, but I couldn't believe that she was finally here. John said, "I'm so proud of you." I said, "Why?" He said, "Because you made a beautiful baby." Now, our beautiful baby is a whole year old, and I can't believe it. It has been the longest and shortest year of my life. Here is little year in pictures review:

Zoey's birth day

The first time I saw her

The two birthday girls

One month: Mother's day

Two months: smiling at Uncle Matt
Three months: 4th of July
4 months: learning to roll5 months: Made in the shades

Six months: photo shoot

7 months: Happy Thanksgiving!Eight months: Little elf

9 months: Enjoying the swings

Ten months: mesmerized by the TV
11 months: Beautiful girlphoto property of inthelightphotography

12 month photos to come!!!

Want to see some dirty pictures?

Zoey decided that she needed to help John in the yard. While she was hard at work, I guess she also got hungry. Being the genius that she is, she took advantage of the organic material that she was working with. Who needs a snack break?

She is a good sharer. I did not find the dirt as appetizing as she did.

I think she was really trying to get as dirty as possible.

This is how dirty girls get clean:

internal scream

I am at work right now, and I should be doing so many other things, but I cannot focus to save my life. My mind is racing in about a million directions, and my palms are sweating. John and I have been talking about the future. Mainly what to do with Zoey next year. The plan is daycare, which makes me so nervous I could throw up. Then he mentioned how much it would cost for her to go full time, and I almost started crying. The thought of leaving her all day long is devastating. Being a part time teacher and full time mom is quite possibly the hardest job in the world, but I would not trade it for anything. My identity is completely wrapped up in two different people-Mrs. Knippers, 6th grade teacher, and Zoey's mommy. Those are two such contradictory positions. I love teaching. I have quite literally give my blood, sweat, and tears to this job. I have grown to adore my 6th graders so much, and I love getting out of the house in the afternoons. Teaching gives me purpose. But the mornings are so sweet. I can't imagine not being able to sit and read with Zoey before her nap. I can't imagine not chasing her around the house. I can't imagine not watching her play upstairs and joining in when I am invited. Mommyhood gives me purpose too. I know myself too well to think that I won't be leaving before she is awake and getting home only a few hours before she goes to bed. She would forget me, and I would miss out on all the great things that she does. I don't want someone else raising my child. My gosh, I am sitting at my desk crying about this right now. John made it clear that I do not have to go back full time, but I am so in limbo in so many areas right now. I don't know what my position will be. Part time jobs are not as stable. They fluctuate with the number of students. I know that I need to give this complete anxiety to God. I know that he already has the plan mapped out. I know that he is teaching me to trust him more. But that does not make it any easier. I have had a knot in my stomach since Wednesday, and it just keeps getting bigger. I may have an ulcer by the time this is over.