Thursday, April 2, 2009

internal scream

I am at work right now, and I should be doing so many other things, but I cannot focus to save my life. My mind is racing in about a million directions, and my palms are sweating. John and I have been talking about the future. Mainly what to do with Zoey next year. The plan is daycare, which makes me so nervous I could throw up. Then he mentioned how much it would cost for her to go full time, and I almost started crying. The thought of leaving her all day long is devastating. Being a part time teacher and full time mom is quite possibly the hardest job in the world, but I would not trade it for anything. My identity is completely wrapped up in two different people-Mrs. Knippers, 6th grade teacher, and Zoey's mommy. Those are two such contradictory positions. I love teaching. I have quite literally give my blood, sweat, and tears to this job. I have grown to adore my 6th graders so much, and I love getting out of the house in the afternoons. Teaching gives me purpose. But the mornings are so sweet. I can't imagine not being able to sit and read with Zoey before her nap. I can't imagine not chasing her around the house. I can't imagine not watching her play upstairs and joining in when I am invited. Mommyhood gives me purpose too. I know myself too well to think that I won't be leaving before she is awake and getting home only a few hours before she goes to bed. She would forget me, and I would miss out on all the great things that she does. I don't want someone else raising my child. My gosh, I am sitting at my desk crying about this right now. John made it clear that I do not have to go back full time, but I am so in limbo in so many areas right now. I don't know what my position will be. Part time jobs are not as stable. They fluctuate with the number of students. I know that I need to give this complete anxiety to God. I know that he already has the plan mapped out. I know that he is teaching me to trust him more. But that does not make it any easier. I have had a knot in my stomach since Wednesday, and it just keeps getting bigger. I may have an ulcer by the time this is over.

4 comments:

Sarah said...

Totally know how you feel. It is really hard sometimes to think of Kailey in daycare, but it is just what we have to do, and she loves it. She loves making new friends and playing with them. She loves all the activities they do everyday. She has learned so much by going to daycare.

And...Zoey won't forget you. I promise. I am still Kailey's mommy and she knows it. She misses me when I'm gone, and she wants me when I pick her up at daycare. Nobody can replace you, EVER!

It is just an adjustment. More so for you than for her...she will probably be fine. It is just hard for us to put them there because of wanting to be with them.

Hope it helps to know somebody relates to you!

Mommy said...

Ashley,
It broke my heart reading your post tonight. You know how I feel about the situation. We've talked. But, that being said, you need to do what you feel is right in your heart. Pray on it for a while. God will give the answer you're seeking. Like your friend said above, Zoey will NEVER forget you. You are her mother and you two will always have a special bond regardless where she is throughout the day. But I do understand the torment and guilt you're feeling even though I do stay home all the time. When I leave Emma...it hurts. Love you! You are a wonderful mommy. Zoey knows it and will always know.
Trust God to guide you.

Misty said...

Sweet Ashley, believe me when I say I know a little of what you are going through?? I really do. And we will talk more about it. But in the meantime do your best to leave it in God's hands where it belongs. Your options may be limited but His are not.

Jenn=) said...

I'm praying for you friend.