Thursday, April 2, 2009
I am at work right now, and I should be doing so many other things, but I cannot focus to save my life. My mind is racing in about a million directions, and my palms are sweating. John and I have been talking about the future. Mainly what to do with Zoey next year. The plan is daycare, which makes me so nervous I could throw up. Then he mentioned how much it would cost for her to go full time, and I almost started crying. The thought of leaving her all day long is devastating. Being a part time teacher and full time mom is quite possibly the hardest job in the world, but I would not trade it for anything. My identity is completely wrapped up in two different people-Mrs. Knippers, 6th grade teacher, and Zoey's mommy. Those are two such contradictory positions. I love teaching. I have quite literally give my blood, sweat, and tears to this job. I have grown to adore my 6th graders so much, and I love getting out of the house in the afternoons. Teaching gives me purpose. But the mornings are so sweet. I can't imagine not being able to sit and read with Zoey before her nap. I can't imagine not chasing her around the house. I can't imagine not watching her play upstairs and joining in when I am invited. Mommyhood gives me purpose too. I know myself too well to think that I won't be leaving before she is awake and getting home only a few hours before she goes to bed. She would forget me, and I would miss out on all the great things that she does. I don't want someone else raising my child. My gosh, I am sitting at my desk crying about this right now. John made it clear that I do not have to go back full time, but I am so in limbo in so many areas right now. I don't know what my position will be. Part time jobs are not as stable. They fluctuate with the number of students. I know that I need to give this complete anxiety to God. I know that he already has the plan mapped out. I know that he is teaching me to trust him more. But that does not make it any easier. I have had a knot in my stomach since Wednesday, and it just keeps getting bigger. I may have an ulcer by the time this is over.