A very belated Christmas update

I am a little embarassed this is so late, but it was one of those things I just couldn't make myself do for no particular reason. We had a lovely Christmas. I had a lot of fun playing Santa Clause this year for the Zoester. She was super cute! Every year just gets better.

A little self therapy?

I am having a major minor major freakout right now. I think it is all due to the two HUGE decisions that are weighing on my mind. I really want to make wise Godly decisions, but I am fighting myself tooth and nail every step of the way. I don't think it helps that I am completely hormonal right now. These decisions shouldn't be this hard to make. Plus, they are making me doubt everything about myself right now. It is a snowball effect.
So, I am debating about whether or not to have another baby. The first one was never in my plan, but she is here nevertheless. So now, do I make her a big sister? I have enough fear tied up with her; I just don't know if another one will do me in. The thought of two sick kids is enough to make me want to run and hide. In fact, I might be starting to hyperventilate right now. At the same time, when she is good, she is really good, and she makes it difficult not to want to have another one of her. Plus, do I deprive her the chance to love a sibling? I adore my siblings with every fiber of my being-how can I deny her that? I really just want to do what God wants me to do. I want to glorify him with my decisions. I can't feel any guidance though. I really think my dear husband would like another one someday, but he is not in a rush. I am not in a rush, but this decision definitely affects the other decision-Should we put our house on the market? I was looking at houses in our area the other day just for fun, and I came across a house that I immediately fell in love with. It was so beautiful. A yellow victorian with an amazing kitchen. I even went so far as to have my father-in-law realtor take me to look at it. I was perfect. However, it was too small. Maybe if we were only going to ever have Zoey could we possibly fit in this house. It's just not a practical house for us however perfect the deal is. But looking at that house gave me the fever. I want to live in a house that has a little more character. Don't get me wrong; our house is great. We have been blessed beyond measure with our first home. But my heart has always belonged to the older homes with character. Maybe because I was raised in one. I don't know. So father in law was kind enough to send us more listings for 4 bedroom houses. I really liked some of them. None were the victorian, but that just seems to be a dream that I will have to put on hold until I am older. So, now my house fever is raging. I called John on the edge of panic, because I just need prayer about this whole thing. If it is not God's will for us to move, I need him to take this desire away. I am scared of doing anything that is not in his will. Oh, I want so badly to please God.
So, all of this has been weighing on my mind all weekend, and it doesn't help that my usual place of refuge-work-is also a place where I am going to have to be making a big decision soon. My head hurts from the grip that my worry has around it. So, since all the other decisions are out of my hands for the time being, I decided that there was one thing I can do. I am going to make a list of all the things that I am sure of that make me happy.
So, here goes:
I am sure that I have a God who loves me.
I am sure that my husband is awesome.
I am sure that I have a great family.
I am sure that eating a sandwhich with potato chips in it is scrumptious.
I am sure that my daughter will probably want to watch Dora when I get home, and I will let her.
I am sure that pre-shredded cheese is way easier that shredding cheese yourself. I have the wound to prove it.
I am sure that I love applejuice limeades from Sonic.
I am sure that I made a good decision with my hair last Thursday when I cut a dyed it.
I am sure that teaching is my calling.
I am sure that I will always love chocolate.
I am sure that I love that watching Big Love with my husband even though he probably hates it.
I think that might be about all I am sure about right now. But, for now, it is enough.

Thanks Sarah!

My sweet friend, Sarah, nominated me for this blog award. I guess it is more like a game, but I am still honored that Sarah would think of me. I just love that girl. So, here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you for this award.--Thanks, Sarah!
Copy the award & place it on your blog.
Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself.
Nominate 7 bloggers
Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

Okay...hmmmm....seven interesting things...
1. My feet itch when I drink wine, but I suck it up and do it anyway.
2. Every Sunday night my family has Knippers family fire night where we just sit around the fire pit in the backyard and burn stuff. It has an open invitation to anyone who wants to come.
3. I have already started planning Zoey's birthday party even though it isn't until April.
4. I go all out for St. Patrick's Day.
5. I vowed I would never teach and I hated middle schoolers, so what do I do for a living? I teach middle school English and I love it.
6. I LOVE HGTV
7. For some reason, I hate the idea of brushing my teeth. I don't like stinky breath, but it seems like so much work to actually brush them. I do though, so don't worry.

Here are my 7 nominees:
Misty
Kendra
Cheryl
Kelly Cain
Amy
Robin
Kelly Comerford

it's been long enough

I really have nothing to say, but I feel as if I have neglected this blog long enough. I would love to put new pictures on, but alas, I have not even uploaded my pictures from Christmas yet. It's almost like I am just in denial that they are still on my camera. Or perhaps it is that I am rebelling against what I know I should be doing. Or perhaps it is just laziness. I am going to go with the former two.
I have had lots of things on my mind lately, but for some reason I haven't been able to articulate them. My head has been swimming, but as soon as I seem to have a whole thought, it is gone again. Basically, I feel pretty content. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am back on lexapro. I really believed that I was strong enough to not need that extra little push, but I guess I am not. I had a wonderful chat with a woman at work in which I completely broke down and she encouraged me to get back on the meds. She told me it was silly to allow myself to continue to feel that way when being on medicine is not a sign of weakness. I don't think it is in other people, but for some reason I feel like it might be for me. I guess I felt like if I was a strong enough Christian, someone who was really relying on God, I wouldn't need the medicine. Or if I really gave all my fears to God, I wouldn't be scared. I am so afraid to completely give up my fears because I feel like as soon as I do, God is going to make me face them. I just don't know if I can. I don't think I am strong enough for that even with the medicine.
I have been doing some research on my particular fear, and it seems like I am going to have to find a therapist. I tried therapy a little while ago, but it didn't last long. I really just wanted to hit the lady in the face every time she opened her mouth. She basically told me that the reason I was afraid was because I don't go out with my friends enough. She seemed to think that the solution was a weekly date with John. She just kept asking me if there was a way we could go on a date once a week. I nearly laughed in her face the first time she mentioned it, but the next three times she talked aboout it, I just got angry. "Not practical!" I nearly shouted.
So, I guess I am left to wonder if other people live in constant fear. It isn't debilitating until I am confronted with it face to face. Most of the time it is just a nagging worry that causes me to overanalyze every facet of my daughter and husband. To me, it has just been a part of my life since childhood. I would be sad about sharing all of this if I wasn't on meds. But as it is, I feel nothing at the moment.
On the other hand, I am aware of how blessed I have been lately. I kinda just feel like the rest is just my reminder that this is not my home. I am waiting my King. Perhaps this is the thorn in my flesh. I know not everyone has something like this that they struggle with, but God deals with different people in different ways. God has given me more than I could imagine, more than I could ever deserve, because as a sinner, I deserve nothing. I really just want to be a true representative of God and his amazing love, and sometimes I feel like this fear gets in the way, because how can I fully love God when I am struggling with this trust? That is my real question. I want so badly to genuinely love and serve my God-is this getting in the way? Am I being a true follower of Christ? These are the questions and thoughts that have been swimming around my head. Oh God, am I serving you well enough? Am I being genuine? Am I being a pharisee?
So, it seems all of that is what has kept me away from this blog for so long. There you have it whether you wanted it or not.

Wordless Monday

Where are you Christmas?

I am frustrated. I am sad. I am let down. I am surrounded by Christmas, and yet, the holiday cheer escapes me. I feel like Cindy Lou Who wondering "Where are you Christmas? Where can I find you? Where have you gone away?" I am usually so joyful this time of year, and yet, I feel nothing. As I told John yesterday "I just don't feel Christmas in my heart." Me, the celebrator, cannot muster the spirit of celebration. Not even when it was snowing. I keep waiting for it to hit me. I was much more excited about Thanksgiving this year. It seems my Christmas spirit went on Thanksgiving vacation and has not decided to come back yet. Maybe it is the whirlwind of the holiday season that has me off. I don't have a free weekend until after New Year's. I need to just forget how I am feeling and meditate on the gift that I have received from Christ's birth. Christ, the Wonderful Counsellor, Almighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, came to Earth not on a chariot of fire, but born to a virgin in a stable. And although the birth of this King was humble in man's view, the heavens, the ones in the know, exploded with joy! They knew what this meant for mankind. So, to the lowly shepards the angels sang "Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth, peace to him on whom his favor rests!" That is pretty exciting and wonderful whether my emotions are on board or not.
"Oh Holy Night
the star were brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining (love that we are described this way. Not just longing-pining -withering away with out someone to fulfill us)
till HE appeared and the soul felt it's worth (We are redeemed. Our worthlessness was traded in for something of ultimate value. We were valueless until Christ was born, for what had we to offer?)
A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices (even the trees must have known that from that moment on, everything had changed)
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn'
Fall on your knees (as the Wise Men must have done. What can we do but worship?)
Oh, hear the angel voices!
Oh night divine
Oh night, when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh, night, oh night divine."

I just need you to know that...

*I just ate pop-tarts, bacon, and Lay's potato chips for lunch-th elunch of champions. The only reason I ate the bacon was to offset the junkiness of the poptarts. I think that was faulty logic, but I'm not sure. The chips were just a little gift to myself.

*In celebration of "snow day," I decided that Z and I should take a bubble bath, and when I asked her if she wanted to play in the bubbles, she said, "Mhmm, dat djew (thank you) Mommy!"

*I am WAAAAYYYY excited about getting out of school early for this snow day even if it is just an hour early-John's off Fridays are soooo snuggly.

*I am seriously thinking about letting my kids play today. They are so revved up and I feel very sad that they are wasting this precious snow day in school. That should be illegal in Texas...well, south Texas.

*I think it is hilarious that a little bit of snow, and really this is just a little bit-it's not even sticking, throws everyone into a tizzy around here. People up north must think we are crazy.

Lalalalala! Snow day!