Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Making an attempt

It is the last day before Thanksgiving break, and I am with my dreaded beloved 5th period class. In addition, I am finding it hard to pull myself out of the hole these days. It takes every piece of my energy to put on the somewhat happy face and do what I am supposed to do. By the end of the day, my body physically hurts from the exertion. All I really want to do is be in my bed. I could live there. I just want to sleep my life away right now. I am clinging with all my might to scripture, but I feel like my grip might be slipping a little. I feel like if I could just have a better attitude then all this would surely go away.If I could just stop focusing on all my shortcomings and instead hone on my blessings...I don't know.  My focus has been on survival. I think my battle is really with myself. Never have I met a harder opponent. Man, can I put up a fight. I am sure that God is allowing me to have all these emotions for a reason, but I have been telling him that there is not much more to me that he can break down, so job well done and let's move on to the next thing. So, all that to say, I am once again here to list the things that I am grateful for. The blessings that I have been given that give me hope.

71. The pumpkin spice tea that John bought me the other day. It warms my hands and my soul.
72. The energy to do the laundry and make dinner last night. It's been awhile since I haven't felt completely overwhelmed with all things domestic.
73. Massages. I wish I could get one every week instead of just once a month. But hey, once a month is pretty good.
74. comfortable jeans
75. The Library
76. My Zoey girl
77. A husband who seems to know when I need to talk and when I don't. One who tries his best to figure me out when I am such an enigma to myself.
78. Multiple Thanksgiving celebrations
79. A movie date already planned with the brother
80. The ladies in my Bible study who have been on this journey with me and haven't judged me when I am falling completely apart in front of them. It's pretty embarassing to be the blubbering idiot, but instead of making me feel little, they just encouraged me and prayed for me. Those are my real friends.
81. This scripture which has been my mantra for the past weeks.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:11(my italics) This is the promise that I cling to. I will again praise him, for he is worthy of my praise. And my praise will be effortless and joyful. And that enough for now.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I just do not like my 5th period class. They are so completely obnoxious. So rude. And there are only 6 of them! However, I think they have absolutely no clue about how to talk to adults. They are so inappropriate. And they never take responsibilty for the way they talk or their actions. Nothing is ever their fault. I hope their parents teach them better, but as they are right now, I have little hope for them in the future. I CAN"T STAND THEM. And even more, I hate that I dislike them so much. Why should six kids bother me? I guess it is because I have little to no adult interaction during the day. The little interaction that I get is simply aimed at trying to belittle me or make me second guess myself. I don't need any help with that. I hate my job this year. So much that I am wracking my brain to think of what else I could do, but I don't think I am qualified for anything. The whole thing makes me so sad and tired. I used to love Thursdays, because it was a whole day where I got to work and feel productive, but now it is a dread. And I am completely alone. I have no teamto help me. I have no text book (well, I do, but it is HORRIBLE). I am so tired of trying to teach these kids who do not want to hear what I have to say. They honestly do not think they need this. I wish I could just level with them and remind them that they are in here because they can't read, but while that may be the truth, they would deny it to the end. They probably think that they failed the TAKS test three times because there was something wrong with the test. Stupid kids. There is one in particular who I would love to pull aside and say "The day you actually take responsibilty for yourself is the day you become a man. Until then, you are nothing but a sad, scared little boy." However, he would argue with me that he wasn't small, even though he he tiny.
All I want to do is lay my head down and admit defeat. They win.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Multitude Tuesday

I am really bad at keeping up with this, but oh well. This blog is just for my benefit, right? I used to just soak up the sound of my fingers clicking away on the keyboard, but lately I have just wanted to spend my free minutes being totally free. Some call it meditation; I call it staring into space. Anyway, I'll pick up where I left off:

61. THE RIGHT TO VOTE! I voted this morning and I feel great to have done my civic duty. And, as it turns out, the place where I was supposed to vote was my school. So easy!

62. Halloween. I had so much fun with the Simpson/Burleson/Harlans. I love our Halloween traditions. And it is just going to get better. Zoey and Emma were so cute this year! They loved getting candy and each house was a novelty. I love that they get it this year. Zoey is already looking forward to next year, and so am I! Next year Baby B will be here! One more trick or treater! Yippee!

63. The little bump that is beginning to manifest on my sister usually flat belly. The sorority went maternity shopping the other day, and my sister is going to be the cutest preggo ever.

64. My brother and his girlfriend. I really like my brother's girlfriend. She is just cool. And she comes and hangs out with us even without my brother around. How cool is she? I'm attached.

65. The fact that after Zoey exploded from too many sweets at school, I was okay to clean everything up. I even forced myself to stand upstairs with the sicky for awhile. It was a short while, but it was a step. It was God, and not my meds, that helped me do that. He is so good.

66. This Bible study that I am doing called The Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free. It is so good. I was totally skeptical at first, but as pointed out to me by my sweet husband, I get on the defensive a lot. Once I got over that, my eyes were opened to how many lies I believe. Sometimes it is as though this book were written for me.

67. The group of women that I get to study God's word with. I love love love my Bible Study. The women are real and unjudgemental-true women of God. I learn so much from them. Plus, they are fun to be around. We laugh all the time.

68. A husband who can cook! Boy howdy can that man cook.

69. finger nails that are ready for the holidays! I love red nails.

70. A little mini shopping spree for the bug this morning. On our first really chilly day (Yeah, November and we haven't been chilly yet. Houston weather is so frustrating.), I realized Zoey was totally unprepared for the chill. I had to go get her some long sleeved stuff. It was fun. I love shopping for that girl. Oh heck, I just love shopping.