Saturday, May 24, 2008


I was reading a blog today, and all my inadequacies became so apparent. Apparent-funny word choice since this all stems from my being a parent. Disgusting. This new mom was gushing about the day that her daughter was born. She went on and on about how she cried with joy about her daughter on a daily basis. I wanted to throw up a little bit, but at the same time a huge rock settled in my heart. What is that feeling? I just don't understand? Does she also experience hopelessness and anxiety at times or is that just me? I was going to pick the boss up from the parents house and I had to force myself not to turn around and drive home with my tail tucked between my legs. The whole way there, I just kept wondering if the anxiousness that I was experiencing was because I was missing her, and I held out a hope that my heart would surge when I saw her again. It did not, and that made me sad. This morning when I was wrapped in my husband's arms, my life was right again. There was no baby-just us and the cats and a bed with rumpled sheets. The dark cloud in the room was the fact that we could not stay this way. I wanted to lock the door and bury my head in John's chest and just forget that someone else relies on me. Sigh. Forever is such a long time.
So, the doctor diagnosed all this as postpartum depression. It was a relief to think that all these thoughts and feelings weren't just me having a bad attitude. I kept feeling like if I really wanted to, I could make myself feel better and really love this new life. Or, if I prayed enough, God would fill up the emptiness in my heart. I am so glad that God sent me to the doctor before I really began to doubt his sufficiency and my sanity. Two days and counting on anti-depressants. Let's hope they kick in soon.

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