Valentine's weekend

I know that I am super behind on every holiday, but I am posting this in February, albeit the last day. Anyways, we decided that after last year's Valentine's Day massacre, that we would get out of town to celebrate this year. We wanted to stick close to home because it was Zoey's first time to stay in a hotel, and I just had feelings of dread. She never sleeps well when she in the same room with us. In fact, during the when the whole fam is at the grandparent's house, someone gives up a room just so Zoey can have her own. She is totally spoiled.Anyway, we headed to Galveston to give Zoey her first taste of the beach as well, and it just so ended up that it was the big weekend for Mardi Gras as well. Much to John's chagrin, I fell in love and have just found a whole other holiday to celebrate.So, back to the hotel. Funny thing about Valentine's/Mardi Gras, you happen to be surrounded by either people getting married or people who are drunk. On our floor at the Galvez, we were surrounded by a drunk wedding party. It was...interesting to say the least. Around 10ish, the whole party was deciding where to go in the hall; of course that kept Zoey up. They finally decided to hit the bar about 11, woke the girl up again. Slamming of doors and loud shouting ensued. Apparently getting married means manners be damned. Super annoying. The real treat came about 4 in the morning when a very drunk groom and another member of the wedding party had a screaming match in the hall. They had apparently just come back from a strip joint where the other man had behaved inappropriately with the groom's intended, or perhaps had some incriminating photos of the groom. I don't know. I was listening as hard as I could, but while the volume was certainly loud enough, neither man was sober enough. Hotel secruity tried to break it up, but the groom (a large Italian man) claimed the guard was "racial profiling." Yeah, that bride was getting a real winner. It took all my will power not to step in the hall and with a few choice words of my own, tell them that if they woke up my kid again, there would be no wedding because he was going to be too tired from taking care of a very disgruntled 2 year old and/or I would kill him. I guess the guy didn't think that he was loud enough to be able to be heard through the paper thin walls of the hotel rooms, because he was cussing up a storm and at one point the other guy told the groom that he needed to quiet down, but he said "No one can hear me." I think that was the point that my husband's vision went red and he went out into the hall and said "I can hear you in my room, and I am tired of your language and you waking up my daughter!" He was much more diplomatic than I would have been. My confrontation would have included shoving. Anyway, the groom mumbled an apology and that was the last we heard of that. The next morning when Zoey woke up promptly at 8, I let her sing as loud as she wanted to in retaliation. Passive aggression at its finest. Needless to say, we will not be staying at a hotel again for some time, but the next day was a blast. Zoey seemed to like the beach. She loved the seashells and the sand, but she was a little wary of the water.                                                                       

             Zoey's favorite part of the day, hands down, was eating ice cream at La King's on The Strand.

  I got a little obsessed with getting beads. I could not understand why not every person was personally handing my sweet little girl beads whenever she stretched out her little hands and said "Mo mo beas?"

 

At the end of the day, night's calamities and days festivities caught up to the girl. She was zonked the whole way home. We had a great time, and I could not have asked for two better Valentines.

Catch 22

So, I have still been struggling with some of the big decisions that I need to make, but for now, most of them are on hold. I prayed about us moving, and I asked God to take away the desire if it wasn't the right time, and he answered that prayer. I have NO (zip, zero, nilch, nada) desire to move. God is so good! If anything, I am even more in love with my home than I was before. It is the place where my family belongs. It is such a great feeling to have one burden lifted off of me.
The next decisions are not quite as easy, although I say that and God chuckles because to him, it is all easy. Let me break into random song-
"What mighty God we serve!
What a mighty God we serve!
Angels bow before him; Heaven and Earth adore him!
What a mighty God we serve!"
("Thanks for the reminder, Ash. Oh, you are certainly welcome. Please take it to heart and stop being an idiot. Well, I'll try just for you. That's all I can ask, I guess."-just a little internal dialogue for you)
All that being said, I am still trying to figure out whether to go back full time or stay part time. I do love having my mornings, but I feel like everything in my argument should revolve around the bug, and while she is in there, that is not all that I love about being part time. I LOVE that I can get ready at my leisure. I LOVE that I don't have as many classes to grade. I LOVE being able to have more time for lunch. I LOVE being hungry for interaction on Thursdays-it makes me appreciate my co-workers so much. I love being with my baby girl in the mornings. I love that she is not in day care. I love that I feel like I am raising her instead of some random teacher at daycare.
On the other hand, there are so many things that I want for our family with the extra money that I would make. I want Zoey to be in Mother's Day Out. I think she needs the social interaction, and I think being the social creature that she, she would adore it. I would love to put her in a dance or gymanstics class. If you have seen the recent video, you know what a little daredevil she is. She needs to have some adventure in her life. That is another thing that I think she would just thrive in. I would love to go to some kind of Yoga class or, don't laugh, join Curves. I would love to go get massages on a more regular basis. I would love for my husband to be able to get some more things for his camera so he can do what he loves. I want to provide all these things for my family, but I realize that with more power comes more resposibility  more money comes less time. Although I might have the financial resources for these things, my time will be cut in half. I might have enough time for Zoey to be in a class, but I will not have time to be in one myself without completely sacrificing our family time. And family time will be a preciouis commodity if I don't have the mornings with my daughter. So, there is the Catch 22. I realize that many of my desires are selfish, but I also know myself. I need to do things for me, as much as I hate to admit how weak I am. It's laughable really. Completely ironic. Make more money and provide for your family all the while sacrificing your family in the process. (Please understand, mothers with full time jobs, that I read your blogs, and I know how much you love your families. I know that sometimes you do not have a choice, and the love that I read on your blogs makes me realize that you are a) much better moms than I am, and b) God is blessing your family because of your obedience. All of this ranting is just about me-I know, so self absorbed.) So, what is a girl to do? I guess that is a question best left unanswered for now. I must (we must, we must increase our increase our bust! Ugh. Can you tell I've had too much coffee today?) trust that God will provide an answer just as He always does.

My Montage 2/15/10 at OneTrueMedia.com

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A very belated Christmas update

I am a little embarassed this is so late, but it was one of those things I just couldn't make myself do for no particular reason. We had a lovely Christmas. I had a lot of fun playing Santa Clause this year for the Zoester. She was super cute! Every year just gets better.

A little self therapy?

I am having a major minor major freakout right now. I think it is all due to the two HUGE decisions that are weighing on my mind. I really want to make wise Godly decisions, but I am fighting myself tooth and nail every step of the way. I don't think it helps that I am completely hormonal right now. These decisions shouldn't be this hard to make. Plus, they are making me doubt everything about myself right now. It is a snowball effect.
So, I am debating about whether or not to have another baby. The first one was never in my plan, but she is here nevertheless. So now, do I make her a big sister? I have enough fear tied up with her; I just don't know if another one will do me in. The thought of two sick kids is enough to make me want to run and hide. In fact, I might be starting to hyperventilate right now. At the same time, when she is good, she is really good, and she makes it difficult not to want to have another one of her. Plus, do I deprive her the chance to love a sibling? I adore my siblings with every fiber of my being-how can I deny her that? I really just want to do what God wants me to do. I want to glorify him with my decisions. I can't feel any guidance though. I really think my dear husband would like another one someday, but he is not in a rush. I am not in a rush, but this decision definitely affects the other decision-Should we put our house on the market? I was looking at houses in our area the other day just for fun, and I came across a house that I immediately fell in love with. It was so beautiful. A yellow victorian with an amazing kitchen. I even went so far as to have my father-in-law realtor take me to look at it. I was perfect. However, it was too small. Maybe if we were only going to ever have Zoey could we possibly fit in this house. It's just not a practical house for us however perfect the deal is. But looking at that house gave me the fever. I want to live in a house that has a little more character. Don't get me wrong; our house is great. We have been blessed beyond measure with our first home. But my heart has always belonged to the older homes with character. Maybe because I was raised in one. I don't know. So father in law was kind enough to send us more listings for 4 bedroom houses. I really liked some of them. None were the victorian, but that just seems to be a dream that I will have to put on hold until I am older. So, now my house fever is raging. I called John on the edge of panic, because I just need prayer about this whole thing. If it is not God's will for us to move, I need him to take this desire away. I am scared of doing anything that is not in his will. Oh, I want so badly to please God.
So, all of this has been weighing on my mind all weekend, and it doesn't help that my usual place of refuge-work-is also a place where I am going to have to be making a big decision soon. My head hurts from the grip that my worry has around it. So, since all the other decisions are out of my hands for the time being, I decided that there was one thing I can do. I am going to make a list of all the things that I am sure of that make me happy.
So, here goes:
I am sure that I have a God who loves me.
I am sure that my husband is awesome.
I am sure that I have a great family.
I am sure that eating a sandwhich with potato chips in it is scrumptious.
I am sure that my daughter will probably want to watch Dora when I get home, and I will let her.
I am sure that pre-shredded cheese is way easier that shredding cheese yourself. I have the wound to prove it.
I am sure that I love applejuice limeades from Sonic.
I am sure that I made a good decision with my hair last Thursday when I cut a dyed it.
I am sure that teaching is my calling.
I am sure that I will always love chocolate.
I am sure that I love that watching Big Love with my husband even though he probably hates it.
I think that might be about all I am sure about right now. But, for now, it is enough.

Thanks Sarah!

My sweet friend, Sarah, nominated me for this blog award. I guess it is more like a game, but I am still honored that Sarah would think of me. I just love that girl. So, here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you for this award.--Thanks, Sarah!
Copy the award & place it on your blog.
Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself.
Nominate 7 bloggers
Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

Okay...hmmmm....seven interesting things...
1. My feet itch when I drink wine, but I suck it up and do it anyway.
2. Every Sunday night my family has Knippers family fire night where we just sit around the fire pit in the backyard and burn stuff. It has an open invitation to anyone who wants to come.
3. I have already started planning Zoey's birthday party even though it isn't until April.
4. I go all out for St. Patrick's Day.
5. I vowed I would never teach and I hated middle schoolers, so what do I do for a living? I teach middle school English and I love it.
6. I LOVE HGTV
7. For some reason, I hate the idea of brushing my teeth. I don't like stinky breath, but it seems like so much work to actually brush them. I do though, so don't worry.

Here are my 7 nominees:
Misty
Kendra
Cheryl
Kelly Cain
Amy
Robin
Kelly Comerford

it's been long enough

I really have nothing to say, but I feel as if I have neglected this blog long enough. I would love to put new pictures on, but alas, I have not even uploaded my pictures from Christmas yet. It's almost like I am just in denial that they are still on my camera. Or perhaps it is that I am rebelling against what I know I should be doing. Or perhaps it is just laziness. I am going to go with the former two.
I have had lots of things on my mind lately, but for some reason I haven't been able to articulate them. My head has been swimming, but as soon as I seem to have a whole thought, it is gone again. Basically, I feel pretty content. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am back on lexapro. I really believed that I was strong enough to not need that extra little push, but I guess I am not. I had a wonderful chat with a woman at work in which I completely broke down and she encouraged me to get back on the meds. She told me it was silly to allow myself to continue to feel that way when being on medicine is not a sign of weakness. I don't think it is in other people, but for some reason I feel like it might be for me. I guess I felt like if I was a strong enough Christian, someone who was really relying on God, I wouldn't need the medicine. Or if I really gave all my fears to God, I wouldn't be scared. I am so afraid to completely give up my fears because I feel like as soon as I do, God is going to make me face them. I just don't know if I can. I don't think I am strong enough for that even with the medicine.
I have been doing some research on my particular fear, and it seems like I am going to have to find a therapist. I tried therapy a little while ago, but it didn't last long. I really just wanted to hit the lady in the face every time she opened her mouth. She basically told me that the reason I was afraid was because I don't go out with my friends enough. She seemed to think that the solution was a weekly date with John. She just kept asking me if there was a way we could go on a date once a week. I nearly laughed in her face the first time she mentioned it, but the next three times she talked aboout it, I just got angry. "Not practical!" I nearly shouted.
So, I guess I am left to wonder if other people live in constant fear. It isn't debilitating until I am confronted with it face to face. Most of the time it is just a nagging worry that causes me to overanalyze every facet of my daughter and husband. To me, it has just been a part of my life since childhood. I would be sad about sharing all of this if I wasn't on meds. But as it is, I feel nothing at the moment.
On the other hand, I am aware of how blessed I have been lately. I kinda just feel like the rest is just my reminder that this is not my home. I am waiting my King. Perhaps this is the thorn in my flesh. I know not everyone has something like this that they struggle with, but God deals with different people in different ways. God has given me more than I could imagine, more than I could ever deserve, because as a sinner, I deserve nothing. I really just want to be a true representative of God and his amazing love, and sometimes I feel like this fear gets in the way, because how can I fully love God when I am struggling with this trust? That is my real question. I want so badly to genuinely love and serve my God-is this getting in the way? Am I being a true follower of Christ? These are the questions and thoughts that have been swimming around my head. Oh God, am I serving you well enough? Am I being genuine? Am I being a pharisee?
So, it seems all of that is what has kept me away from this blog for so long. There you have it whether you wanted it or not.