Monday, February 1, 2010

A little self therapy?

I am having a major minor major freakout right now. I think it is all due to the two HUGE decisions that are weighing on my mind. I really want to make wise Godly decisions, but I am fighting myself tooth and nail every step of the way. I don't think it helps that I am completely hormonal right now. These decisions shouldn't be this hard to make. Plus, they are making me doubt everything about myself right now. It is a snowball effect.
So, I am debating about whether or not to have another baby. The first one was never in my plan, but she is here nevertheless. So now, do I make her a big sister? I have enough fear tied up with her; I just don't know if another one will do me in. The thought of two sick kids is enough to make me want to run and hide. In fact, I might be starting to hyperventilate right now. At the same time, when she is good, she is really good, and she makes it difficult not to want to have another one of her. Plus, do I deprive her the chance to love a sibling? I adore my siblings with every fiber of my being-how can I deny her that? I really just want to do what God wants me to do. I want to glorify him with my decisions. I can't feel any guidance though. I really think my dear husband would like another one someday, but he is not in a rush. I am not in a rush, but this decision definitely affects the other decision-Should we put our house on the market? I was looking at houses in our area the other day just for fun, and I came across a house that I immediately fell in love with. It was so beautiful. A yellow victorian with an amazing kitchen. I even went so far as to have my father-in-law realtor take me to look at it. I was perfect. However, it was too small. Maybe if we were only going to ever have Zoey could we possibly fit in this house. It's just not a practical house for us however perfect the deal is. But looking at that house gave me the fever. I want to live in a house that has a little more character. Don't get me wrong; our house is great. We have been blessed beyond measure with our first home. But my heart has always belonged to the older homes with character. Maybe because I was raised in one. I don't know. So father in law was kind enough to send us more listings for 4 bedroom houses. I really liked some of them. None were the victorian, but that just seems to be a dream that I will have to put on hold until I am older. So, now my house fever is raging. I called John on the edge of panic, because I just need prayer about this whole thing. If it is not God's will for us to move, I need him to take this desire away. I am scared of doing anything that is not in his will. Oh, I want so badly to please God.
So, all of this has been weighing on my mind all weekend, and it doesn't help that my usual place of refuge-work-is also a place where I am going to have to be making a big decision soon. My head hurts from the grip that my worry has around it. So, since all the other decisions are out of my hands for the time being, I decided that there was one thing I can do. I am going to make a list of all the things that I am sure of that make me happy.
So, here goes:
I am sure that I have a God who loves me.
I am sure that my husband is awesome.
I am sure that I have a great family.
I am sure that eating a sandwhich with potato chips in it is scrumptious.
I am sure that my daughter will probably want to watch Dora when I get home, and I will let her.
I am sure that pre-shredded cheese is way easier that shredding cheese yourself. I have the wound to prove it.
I am sure that I love applejuice limeades from Sonic.
I am sure that I made a good decision with my hair last Thursday when I cut a dyed it.
I am sure that teaching is my calling.
I am sure that I will always love chocolate.
I am sure that I love that watching Big Love with my husband even though he probably hates it.
I think that might be about all I am sure about right now. But, for now, it is enough.

1 comment:

Natalie said...

If we get to vote, I vote for baby number 2. My sister and I may not get along all the time (or really most of the time), but I can't imagine my life without her. And don't wait too long, my husband and his sister are 6 years apart and don't have the same kind of relationship because there is such a huge age gap.

Just think...later in life that will mean double the grandkids!