Thursday, February 25, 2010

Catch 22

So, I have still been struggling with some of the big decisions that I need to make, but for now, most of them are on hold. I prayed about us moving, and I asked God to take away the desire if it wasn't the right time, and he answered that prayer. I have NO (zip, zero, nilch, nada) desire to move. God is so good! If anything, I am even more in love with my home than I was before. It is the place where my family belongs. It is such a great feeling to have one burden lifted off of me.
The next decisions are not quite as easy, although I say that and God chuckles because to him, it is all easy. Let me break into random song-
"What mighty God we serve!
What a mighty God we serve!
Angels bow before him; Heaven and Earth adore him!
What a mighty God we serve!"
("Thanks for the reminder, Ash. Oh, you are certainly welcome. Please take it to heart and stop being an idiot. Well, I'll try just for you. That's all I can ask, I guess."-just a little internal dialogue for you)
All that being said, I am still trying to figure out whether to go back full time or stay part time. I do love having my mornings, but I feel like everything in my argument should revolve around the bug, and while she is in there, that is not all that I love about being part time. I LOVE that I can get ready at my leisure. I LOVE that I don't have as many classes to grade. I LOVE being able to have more time for lunch. I LOVE being hungry for interaction on Thursdays-it makes me appreciate my co-workers so much. I love being with my baby girl in the mornings. I love that she is not in day care. I love that I feel like I am raising her instead of some random teacher at daycare.
On the other hand, there are so many things that I want for our family with the extra money that I would make. I want Zoey to be in Mother's Day Out. I think she needs the social interaction, and I think being the social creature that she, she would adore it. I would love to put her in a dance or gymanstics class. If you have seen the recent video, you know what a little daredevil she is. She needs to have some adventure in her life. That is another thing that I think she would just thrive in. I would love to go to some kind of Yoga class or, don't laugh, join Curves. I would love to go get massages on a more regular basis. I would love for my husband to be able to get some more things for his camera so he can do what he loves. I want to provide all these things for my family, but I realize that with more power comes more resposibility  more money comes less time. Although I might have the financial resources for these things, my time will be cut in half. I might have enough time for Zoey to be in a class, but I will not have time to be in one myself without completely sacrificing our family time. And family time will be a preciouis commodity if I don't have the mornings with my daughter. So, there is the Catch 22. I realize that many of my desires are selfish, but I also know myself. I need to do things for me, as much as I hate to admit how weak I am. It's laughable really. Completely ironic. Make more money and provide for your family all the while sacrificing your family in the process. (Please understand, mothers with full time jobs, that I read your blogs, and I know how much you love your families. I know that sometimes you do not have a choice, and the love that I read on your blogs makes me realize that you are a) much better moms than I am, and b) God is blessing your family because of your obedience. All of this ranting is just about me-I know, so self absorbed.) So, what is a girl to do? I guess that is a question best left unanswered for now. I must (we must, we must increase our increase our bust! Ugh. Can you tell I've had too much coffee today?) trust that God will provide an answer just as He always does.

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