Tuesday, January 19, 2010

it's been long enough

I really have nothing to say, but I feel as if I have neglected this blog long enough. I would love to put new pictures on, but alas, I have not even uploaded my pictures from Christmas yet. It's almost like I am just in denial that they are still on my camera. Or perhaps it is that I am rebelling against what I know I should be doing. Or perhaps it is just laziness. I am going to go with the former two.
I have had lots of things on my mind lately, but for some reason I haven't been able to articulate them. My head has been swimming, but as soon as I seem to have a whole thought, it is gone again. Basically, I feel pretty content. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am back on lexapro. I really believed that I was strong enough to not need that extra little push, but I guess I am not. I had a wonderful chat with a woman at work in which I completely broke down and she encouraged me to get back on the meds. She told me it was silly to allow myself to continue to feel that way when being on medicine is not a sign of weakness. I don't think it is in other people, but for some reason I feel like it might be for me. I guess I felt like if I was a strong enough Christian, someone who was really relying on God, I wouldn't need the medicine. Or if I really gave all my fears to God, I wouldn't be scared. I am so afraid to completely give up my fears because I feel like as soon as I do, God is going to make me face them. I just don't know if I can. I don't think I am strong enough for that even with the medicine.
I have been doing some research on my particular fear, and it seems like I am going to have to find a therapist. I tried therapy a little while ago, but it didn't last long. I really just wanted to hit the lady in the face every time she opened her mouth. She basically told me that the reason I was afraid was because I don't go out with my friends enough. She seemed to think that the solution was a weekly date with John. She just kept asking me if there was a way we could go on a date once a week. I nearly laughed in her face the first time she mentioned it, but the next three times she talked aboout it, I just got angry. "Not practical!" I nearly shouted.
So, I guess I am left to wonder if other people live in constant fear. It isn't debilitating until I am confronted with it face to face. Most of the time it is just a nagging worry that causes me to overanalyze every facet of my daughter and husband. To me, it has just been a part of my life since childhood. I would be sad about sharing all of this if I wasn't on meds. But as it is, I feel nothing at the moment.
On the other hand, I am aware of how blessed I have been lately. I kinda just feel like the rest is just my reminder that this is not my home. I am waiting my King. Perhaps this is the thorn in my flesh. I know not everyone has something like this that they struggle with, but God deals with different people in different ways. God has given me more than I could imagine, more than I could ever deserve, because as a sinner, I deserve nothing. I really just want to be a true representative of God and his amazing love, and sometimes I feel like this fear gets in the way, because how can I fully love God when I am struggling with this trust? That is my real question. I want so badly to genuinely love and serve my God-is this getting in the way? Am I being a true follower of Christ? These are the questions and thoughts that have been swimming around my head. Oh God, am I serving you well enough? Am I being genuine? Am I being a pharisee?
So, it seems all of that is what has kept me away from this blog for so long. There you have it whether you wanted it or not.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

1) Nothing is wrong with taking meds...that just is necessary sometimes.

2) I also am in constant fear, if I let myself be. I mean especially when I am pregnant, I imagine the most horrible things happening to me, or Casey, or Kailey, and it is just plain horrendous, so you are not alone there.

3) I love you, and I have missed your blog!

Clif and Katie said...

Ashley,
I think you are so brave to talk about your fears! I also think that you are a wonderful servant of our Almighty God! The great thing about blogs is that you never know how something you've openly talked about will affect someone else! I can see this post being encouraging and uplifting to someone who needs to hear the love of God from a child of His who has fears! Thanks for sharing!!