Motherhood is such a lonely thing. Because you are strapped with a baby, you are always the one left behind. Today after church, we had a fellowship for a family that is moving to Australia, and at one point, I was sitting completely alone feeding the boss, while the husband did the social butterfly thing. Sad to say, this is a typical pattern. He has had enough of her and my duties resumed. Thank heaven for the church nursery. I know that John works all week long and deserves to rest, but I would like some time off as well. I wish I could share these thoughts with him, but he doesn't need to take care of two babies, plus, I have become really bad articulating myself. This weekend, I just wanted to push her off on him and disappear. It was such a long and tortuous week, and most of the week I spent feeling like a complete failure because I made the wrong decision about switching her formula. What was I thinking???? Most people would say "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." However, I apparently like to take things that are clearly working well and see how badly I can mess them up.
This morning when I woke up at 5 to feed the boss, I just decided to stay up because going back to sleep for another hour and a half would be pointless. It was such a sweet time. I was completely alone, and for awhile while I ate my cereal and stared out the window, I was nobody's mother. I think that may have been dangerous, because I spent the rest of the day trying to keep that feeling alive. I actually thought about barricading myself in the shower this morning, because that is one place where I am completely free. I can't attend to anything but myself even if I wanted to. I have only the warm water to answer to. It is a glorious feeling.
I know that these feelings will pass, but I am just so tired. I could just crawl into my bed and never wake up. Sometimes, I just wish John would read this and make everything better.