Monday, December 22, 2008

The pants: A tragedy told by the wearer

Once upon a time, a girl had a baby. Although the baby was beautiful and sweet, she wreaked havoc on her mommy's body. With a sigh and a last longing look at her old jeans, the mommy gave in and went on the hunt for jeans to accommodate her "post mommy size." She searched high and low. She was beginning to get discouraged when she felt the pull toward American Eagle. She entered the store very skeptical, because she felt long past the days of being able to sport the eagle. Just when she was about to give up, God smiled on her. There on the shelf, was the perfect pair of jeans. They fit perfectly and best of all, they were on sale. It was a glorious day.
Fast forward to Hurricane Ike. The mommy and her precious girl were visiting a friend. The mommy wanted to look cute for lunch out, so she put on her special jeans. The two friends had a wonderful day. When they got home, the mommy decided that she wanted to help her friend by doing a little straightening. She bent down to pick something up, and she heard what sounded like fabric ripping. Incredulous, she bent down again, and sure enough the jeans ripped all the way down the backside. The mommy tried to laugh it off, but she was secretly devastated. She knew she had gained some weight, but the jeans weren't that tight. When she got to her own home, she threw the jeans into the dark recesses of her closet.
Two months later, the mommy pulled the jeans out. As she wiggled her fingers through the hole, she decided that she was not going to stand idly by; she was going to fix the jeans (not herself, of course). She took the jeans to a tailor who promised her great things. A week later, she returned to the tailor who charged her a nice chunk of change for self confidence. Once again, she put on the jeans and felt like she could take on the world.
A week later, she noticed a small hole forming on the front of her pants. She fretted and fussed until her husband cleverly repaired the hole. She breathed a sigh of relief, because she had a big lunch the next day that she wanted to look special for.
The next day she pulled on her jeans and headed out the door. When she arrived at the restaurant, she noticed that she had a few minutes that she hadn't factored in, so she meandered around Hallmark in search of some happys. When she got into her car, she heard the strange sound that she had only heard once before. She immediately knew that something had gone horribly amiss. She looked down at her pants and saw her upper thigh peeking through. "Oh no!" she thought. "What am I going to do? If I go home now, I will be very late for lunch, but if I go to lunch, I risk public humiliation." She thought about it for about half a minute. The answer was clear. Lunch was too important to miss, and after all, this would make for a great story. So, she pulled into the restaurant, called Nanny Kelly for replacement pants, put a smile on her face, braced herself and greeted her friends.
When she finally had time to contemplate the strange turn of events, she mourned the loss of the jeans. Somehow, they had been doomed from the assembly line, but that did not make the mommy feel any better about her fate. She felt God was trying to teach her something through her loss, but she did not know what. She still does not know what, but she does have new jeans. And, they are hole free.


heather bells said...

I'm sorry about your jeans, but I am glad that lunch meant so much to you! It's going to be okay :)

Misty said...

I'm sorry, I know that this was no doubt a very traumatic experience for you. But I much appreciate the opportunity to laugh. It is totally AE's fault by the way. Every pair of jeans I ever owned from them ripped, Nathan's too.

Anonymous said...

Nanny Kelly is like a superhero.

And I am pretty darn sure that God was just telling you that He has some magical pants coming to restore the life of the dead AE pants. And Misty is right - it is totally AE's fault.