Friday, December 12, 2008

a case of the blahs

I would like to shout lots of obscenities right now. I have had a long day, and I don't feel good, and right now the land under the couch (aka no responsibility) is looking so enticing. I want to run away from home and come back when...well, I don't know when right now. I want to go to bed tonight knowing that I get to sleep in as long as I want, but that will never happen. Sometimes, being a mom totally sucks. Friday used to be the golden day. Now, sometimes I stay at school a little longer because I know that when I go home, I have another job to do. This afternoon, I had my feet propped up on my desk taking a break with my nose in a book, and one of my co-workers walked in and said understandingly, "Getting in some reading before you go home?" As sad as it is, the time after school is my time. There are evenings when my keys feel so heavy, because I am already tired and I drag my feet because there is no escape from reality. It's not that Zoey is a hard baby, quite the opposite. She is the embodiment of joy most of the time. I think I am just exceedingly selfish. I was looking at a picture of a friend with her little boy, and she just glowed with the love of motherhood. I feel like the only thing that has changed about me since I have become a mother is that I have extra bags under my eyes and fat on my ass (and everywhere else for that matter).
Right now, I am just aching and cold, and annoyed at John who is annoyed right back at me. Tomorrow will be another day, where I will look at my breathtaking little girl and love the blessings that God has so generously bestowed on me. My life is tiny, but it is sweet. Tonight, I yearn for something bigger. I might shed a few tears, but tomorrow I will slip my life back on like my favorite pair of flannel pajama pants. Tomorrow.


kelly said...

i love you too! you are right.
and your blahs will go away, i'm sure of it. :)

Misty said...

Ashley Renee- I am one of those moms who feels like I could easily be tarred and feathered if I really let loose and gushed about how much I love being a mom and how much I want to spend every day all day with my child. But I still feel that way a lot. If anyone looks at you in suprise, it is not because they think you are crazy. It is because they are shocked by your bravery to admit it. Hope today was a better day. HL.