Needless to say, it was a less than great day. Okay, half of this is my fault. I stayed up really late chatting with Jenn, which was great and completely reminiscent of my younger years, but it made for an early morning when Old Reliable started babbling away in her pack and play. Last night, I forgot to take my meds, but when I realized it this morning, I didn't think it would be a big deal. I even joked with John and said "Hope I don't try to kill myself today." Okay, not entirely in good taste, but, um, have you met us?
I'm not sure if my internal breakdown was due to the lack of sleep or lack of meds, but I found myself so sad tonight. Mommyhood is so heavy and there is no end in sight. When does it become effortless? There is no one who replaces mom. I think that is both a good and bad thing. I don't think that I want to be replaced, and most of the time when the girl buries her head in my shoulder, I just love it, but when can I pass her off to someone who knows her as well as I do? Someone who is counting down the minutes to when she eats again, knows that she poops mostly in the morning, exactly how and when she naps, that she hates having a wet diaper, eats baby food but not everyday, can tell the difference between the scared cry, hurt cry, dramatic cry and simple fuss? Basically someone who considers her their life. And I think the cherry would be, when is someone going to want to take her from me as selfishly as I want to pass her off? I do love her, but I am so tired, and I miss John, and as much as I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help, it can never be the same. I will never be able to pass her off without the reservation that they will feel the burden as well. The only thing that will help is if I could become all the aforementioned things. I'm just mad at myself for feeling this way and just sad, just...sad.
* Kelly will read this and think that she is not doing a great job, and SHE IS. You are. You are my salvation many, many times.
**John is my other half, and the other person who does (mostly) know all those things about Zoey, but he is gone, and I have never been one to deal with alone very well.
***I love my daughter. The end.