In desperate need

We just had a very depressing staff meeting about the upcoming budget and plans for next year. Basically, as usual, we don't have enough money. So the plan is to start teaching 6 out of 7 classes. That really got me worried, because I am only part time, and if other teachers pick up an extra class, all my classes will be picked up by someone else. In short, I will have no job. I talked to my assitant principal about it first, and she very kindly said that she did not want to lie to me and I should be worried. She told me that I really needed to start looking at my options. I'm not really sure what that means other than looking at other campuses, which is devastating to think about because I have never worked anywhere but AMS and I love it here. So, I came back to my room and called John and cried. Then my principal came in and pretty much said that he didn't really know what was going to happen, but he would keep me informed. I think that is about all anyone can promise right now. But no one is going to know anything for awhile. So for now I live in limbo. John did say that we would make it work if I wanted to stay home, which doesn't sound too bad, but as hard as my job has been this year, I really like working. I adore my mornings at home with Zoey, but it is a nice break in my day to go to work. I will go where God wants me to go and I will do what he wants me to do, and I just keep having to tell myself that He will guide no matter if I like the outcome or not. But prayer for peace and patience would be nice.

Shameful return

I'm a little out of touch with everything right now. And, as much as I would like that to come to an end, I just don't see it happening. Sheesh. I wish I could just get it together. Maybe I need some 5 Hour Energy or something. A nice, dreamless sleep would help I think. So would some hormones that aren't so (literally) out of whack. And it would be nice if I could get ahold of the doctor I need to see to get said hormones back in whack. But alas, I can't. I could really go on a rant about that, but I will refrain. Even though I really want to. It's been awhile since I have made a list of things I am thankful for, and I have so many right now, especially with the holidays behind me  having lived through the holidays having just experienced the holidays. Our holiday was a bit busy, but it was great. I was really wonderful having John home with me and Zoey the first week and most of the second week. And it was great being able to be with Zoey. It made me want to stay home, but I just know that I am not cut out for it. I know that some mom are really great and have all kinds on activities and such for their kids, but Zoey and I just hang out and shop. We spend a lot of time in our pj's. So here is a little post holiday list:
82. A little girl who is bursting with personality (sometimes too much; boy can that girl be sassy).
83. A little girl who loves her family passionately. She was in HEAVEN during Christmas when all the Simpsons were together. She was the center of everyone's attention. And she decided that her Uncle Justin was her best friend, and very vehemently stuck to that-to the chagrin of her Aunt Christie.
84. Actually getting Zoey gifts that she loves. Sometimes it is a hit or miss with the things that girl is going to cling to, but the Legos and kitchen were a huge success.
85. A trip to the Bryant farm on the way home. Some friends of ours have family that lives in Kosse, which is on our way home from Waco, and one year in desperation to feed Zoey, we asked if we could stop by, and it has become a tradition. They welcome us like family and don't even mind if we interrupt their real family time (this year we arrived when some extended family was opening presents-super embarrassing). We get to ride in the back of the truck and feed the cows. Zoey loved that. She was much more brave than I gave her credit for. She usually is. I need to stop being so surprised. She is totally her Daddy's girl.
86. A great weekend away with my two favorite girls. I love our tradition of having a mother/ daughter shopping trip. It combines all the things I love-food, shopping and my mom and sister.
87. That little boy that keeps growing away in my sister's tummy. Zoey and I have been really talking about it lately, and somehow she knows a scary amount of details about childbirth. Maybe they really can remember...
88. A third birthday party that is already in the works even though it is months away. I don't care. I am excited.
89. Being able to sing with the praise team again last Sunday. I have had three weeks away due to Christmas and stupid family worship (John is the sound guys, so if I was on stage singing, Zoey would be running wild with no one to stop her). Practice last week was great. I have missed my team.
90. Hot dogs. I am thankful for hot dogs. I really love them. I ate 2 last night for dinner, and I had 2 more for lunch today. I could probably eat them for dinner again. They are so good.

the things we know

I love inside jokes. Not that I like to exclude people; I just like that you can know something about someone that you know will make them laugh over and over. I just got a FB status comment that made me laugh. It was from a friend who although she lives far away and I don't see or talk to her much, knows me better than most people. And she remembers things about me. I think it is the little things that we remember about each other that really cement a friendship. Some of my favorite things in life are the things that remind me of other people. Like when I see an owl, I think of Kelly, and when I see crickets or sing "Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus", I can't help but think of Misty, or when I see a really cute pedicure, I think of my friend Toni and her cute feet. When I walk around the house singing about life with Zoey, I think of Jennifer. The list could go on about the people I love. Although I have a terrible memory, God has blessed me with the gift of association. And he is constantly helping me to remember that I am surrounded by such lovely people that I get to call friend. Happy sigh.

picture post

 Zoey's Sunday school class made little lamb ears, and I have to say she looks hella cute.

 First halloween celebration at school-it was a little cold that day, hence the tights.

 Halloween tradition-The Knippers and the Harlans. Our cute girls getting ready to head out.

I convinced our neighbors to dress up their little boy as Bam-Bam. Aren't they the cutest?

 We went to Pioneer Days at Jesse Jones Park. I haven't been there since I was a kid. It was so fun! Zoey even got her face painted. I was super impressed with how still she sat. Such a big girl.

 We had a great Thanksgiving. Zoey got to play with all her cousins. The food was great. The break in general was so great-I needed it. John took some time off and we spent the whole break together. It was heaven.

 We decorate my parents Christmas tree every year, and this year, my mom decided that we would all wear white for a family picture. This is one of my favorite things that we do, and it really starts the Christmas season for me. Zoey gets it this year, which is so fun. She helped put ornaments on and everything. She is really into all the decorations.

Zoey and I decorated a "gingerman" house. It was fun, but boy, was it messy. Zoey seemed a little more interested in eating the candy than getting it on the house. The end result was not pretty, but we have it proudly displayed in our kitchen. Zoey is still sneaking candy.

Making an attempt

It is the last day before Thanksgiving break, and I am with my dreaded beloved 5th period class. In addition, I am finding it hard to pull myself out of the hole these days. It takes every piece of my energy to put on the somewhat happy face and do what I am supposed to do. By the end of the day, my body physically hurts from the exertion. All I really want to do is be in my bed. I could live there. I just want to sleep my life away right now. I am clinging with all my might to scripture, but I feel like my grip might be slipping a little. I feel like if I could just have a better attitude then all this would surely go away.If I could just stop focusing on all my shortcomings and instead hone on my blessings...I don't know.  My focus has been on survival. I think my battle is really with myself. Never have I met a harder opponent. Man, can I put up a fight. I am sure that God is allowing me to have all these emotions for a reason, but I have been telling him that there is not much more to me that he can break down, so job well done and let's move on to the next thing. So, all that to say, I am once again here to list the things that I am grateful for. The blessings that I have been given that give me hope.

71. The pumpkin spice tea that John bought me the other day. It warms my hands and my soul.
72. The energy to do the laundry and make dinner last night. It's been awhile since I haven't felt completely overwhelmed with all things domestic.
73. Massages. I wish I could get one every week instead of just once a month. But hey, once a month is pretty good.
74. comfortable jeans
75. The Library
76. My Zoey girl
77. A husband who seems to know when I need to talk and when I don't. One who tries his best to figure me out when I am such an enigma to myself.
78. Multiple Thanksgiving celebrations
79. A movie date already planned with the brother
80. The ladies in my Bible study who have been on this journey with me and haven't judged me when I am falling completely apart in front of them. It's pretty embarassing to be the blubbering idiot, but instead of making me feel little, they just encouraged me and prayed for me. Those are my real friends.
81. This scripture which has been my mantra for the past weeks.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:11(my italics) This is the promise that I cling to. I will again praise him, for he is worthy of my praise. And my praise will be effortless and joyful. And that enough for now.

argh

I just do not like my 5th period class. They are so completely obnoxious. So rude. And there are only 6 of them! However, I think they have absolutely no clue about how to talk to adults. They are so inappropriate. And they never take responsibilty for the way they talk or their actions. Nothing is ever their fault. I hope their parents teach them better, but as they are right now, I have little hope for them in the future. I CAN"T STAND THEM. And even more, I hate that I dislike them so much. Why should six kids bother me? I guess it is because I have little to no adult interaction during the day. The little interaction that I get is simply aimed at trying to belittle me or make me second guess myself. I don't need any help with that. I hate my job this year. So much that I am wracking my brain to think of what else I could do, but I don't think I am qualified for anything. The whole thing makes me so sad and tired. I used to love Thursdays, because it was a whole day where I got to work and feel productive, but now it is a dread. And I am completely alone. I have no teamto help me. I have no text book (well, I do, but it is HORRIBLE). I am so tired of trying to teach these kids who do not want to hear what I have to say. They honestly do not think they need this. I wish I could just level with them and remind them that they are in here because they can't read, but while that may be the truth, they would deny it to the end. They probably think that they failed the TAKS test three times because there was something wrong with the test. Stupid kids. There is one in particular who I would love to pull aside and say "The day you actually take responsibilty for yourself is the day you become a man. Until then, you are nothing but a sad, scared little boy." However, he would argue with me that he wasn't small, even though he he tiny.
All I want to do is lay my head down and admit defeat. They win.

Multitude Tuesday

I am really bad at keeping up with this, but oh well. This blog is just for my benefit, right? I used to just soak up the sound of my fingers clicking away on the keyboard, but lately I have just wanted to spend my free minutes being totally free. Some call it meditation; I call it staring into space. Anyway, I'll pick up where I left off:

61. THE RIGHT TO VOTE! I voted this morning and I feel great to have done my civic duty. And, as it turns out, the place where I was supposed to vote was my school. So easy!

62. Halloween. I had so much fun with the Simpson/Burleson/Harlans. I love our Halloween traditions. And it is just going to get better. Zoey and Emma were so cute this year! They loved getting candy and each house was a novelty. I love that they get it this year. Zoey is already looking forward to next year, and so am I! Next year Baby B will be here! One more trick or treater! Yippee!

63. The little bump that is beginning to manifest on my sister usually flat belly. The sorority went maternity shopping the other day, and my sister is going to be the cutest preggo ever.

64. My brother and his girlfriend. I really like my brother's girlfriend. She is just cool. And she comes and hangs out with us even without my brother around. How cool is she? I'm attached.

65. The fact that after Zoey exploded from too many sweets at school, I was okay to clean everything up. I even forced myself to stand upstairs with the sicky for awhile. It was a short while, but it was a step. It was God, and not my meds, that helped me do that. He is so good.

66. This Bible study that I am doing called The Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free. It is so good. I was totally skeptical at first, but as pointed out to me by my sweet husband, I get on the defensive a lot. Once I got over that, my eyes were opened to how many lies I believe. Sometimes it is as though this book were written for me.

67. The group of women that I get to study God's word with. I love love love my Bible Study. The women are real and unjudgemental-true women of God. I learn so much from them. Plus, they are fun to be around. We laugh all the time.

68. A husband who can cook! Boy howdy can that man cook.

69. finger nails that are ready for the holidays! I love red nails.

70. A little mini shopping spree for the bug this morning. On our first really chilly day (Yeah, November and we haven't been chilly yet. Houston weather is so frustrating.), I realized Zoey was totally unprepared for the chill. I had to go get her some long sleeved stuff. It was fun. I love shopping for that girl. Oh heck, I just love shopping.