Monday, April 19, 2010

Sweating the small stuff

I admit it. I am totally sweating my life right now. All of the sudden I just seem to be surrounded with things that are out of [my] control. I don't like that feeling. If you know me all, you know that I love to have things planned out and routines set. I am pretty much a creature of habit. I do fight this tendency at times, but for the most part, when I don't know what my next step is going to be, I get nervous. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that I have anxiety and depression problems (Wow. Just said that out loud. Feeling embarassed to admit that I am weak, but also it was a little bit freeing.) I have always known that I have some kind of anxiety. I mean, I can barely type the word throw-up with out wanting to run out of the room. In fact, I am a little lot nervous right now. I just thought that I was alone with this stupid fear until I met someone in college who was afraid of the same thing. She knew why she was, but I am still clueless. But again, knowing one person did not make me feel that much better. It wasn't until recently that my sweet husband told me that my phobia was the 5th most common phobia in the world, and I began to read some info on it. I tried a therapist, but she was full of crap, and I just don't think I was ready. I have some other issues that I wanted to have addressed that I will never talk about with anyone but the therapist and a little 6th grade girl who counseled me one day. I was also noticing that I was feeling more guilty than usual. I mean, I felt really guilty one day because I didn't eat any vegetables for lunch. That was when I figured I might need to talk to someone else. I wanted to see someone who could give me medicine if I needed it, so I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. I didn't tell anyone, because isn't that where crazy people go? I finally told my best friend, who was so encouraging and made me feel slightly better about it. The first appointment I made got canceled when I was on my way there and I was so disappointed I almost cried. My second appointment I got too nervous and walked out. It was just so overwhelming. I kept practicing what I was going to say to this man when he asked me why I was there, but there were so many people there and they all seemed to have BO, and I just had to escape. The third time, I actually made it into the office. The doctor was so nice, and he alleviated most of my anxiety just by being kind and businesslike. And Jenn was right, he did not treat me like the freak that I feel like. So, now a new journey starts-one that is medicated. And it leaves me wondering and hoping that I am in God's will. Oh, I pray that I am. Because I want this to work. I don't want to feel guilty or feel mortal dread every time I get a call or text at school. And more than anything, I want to cope, because what I am doing now is far from that. What I am doing now is merely surviving.
I haven't actually started the meds yet, and I am a little nervous about it. But, I am nervous aboout almost everything these days. I feel like I am looking down a long road, and I think the best way to start this journey is on my knees talking to God.

3 comments:

Jenn=) said...

I am proud of you Ash. It makes since that someone dealing with anxiety would be anxious about a big change but I am praying for you and I know many others are as well and you will find that peace you are looking for.

Misty said...

Sweet Ashley, I have been praying for you too. I love you so much and have struggled to know how to be there for you, but also know that this is your journey and you must go at your own pace. You are not a freak, or crazy, or any of those things you said. I hope you know you are NOT alone. I think anxiety and depression keep a firm grip only as long as we keep silent. I have every confidence in you, (and most importantly in God!); that you will not only make it through this, but you will better because of all of it. Whatever has allowed this anxiety to take hold might be robbing you of certain things at the moment. But it is not who you are, and certainly can't steal the abundance of beauty and joy that have always characterized your life. Hang on tight to those who love you. It will pass.

SydneyJ21074 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.